Catharsis

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am

Casting Crowns
"Praise You in This Storm"
Lifesong (2005)

Am I in a storm? I dunno. I guess so. I haven't felt quite right for weeks now. There's just always something wrong, but I can never quite place my finger on it. I pray, but I'm not getting anywhere; I know He's there - somewhere - but I can't seem to find Him save for fleeting glances here and there. I'm happy on occasion, most notably when I'm doing something fun with the family, but otherwise, I've just been kind of down.

I sat down to work tonight, and I just could not get started. It's been a long, tough day, that I started off with a short night's sleep to get Connor to a massive dental appointment, which basically translated to me being an emotional wreck as I waited in the lobby. The day didn't really get worse from there, which I'd have almost preferred; I always seem to get a release when I bottom out. It just kind of maintained, though, so now I'm in this funk. Holli and I both think I should just do the little I absolutely have to do tonight and then go to bed early, but I can't even do that.

The one thing I really wanted to do tonight was play the guitar, and I did. I've been taking lessons for the past six weeks, and while I'm not anywhere even close to being good yet, I think I might be approaching poor, and mediocre is well in sight. The important part is that I can play something and actually hear what I'm trying to play, and whether or not anyone else can hear it, that's a victory for me.

I'd already practiced today, which means that Holli had long since gotten her fill of CCR for one day (hooray for beginner songs!), but despite that I had every intention of practicing it some more. It's my assignment for the week, and there's a transition passage that's really fun for me because it's right on the bleeding edge of my difficulty curve. I can do it, but just barely, so I feel like I've accomplished something every time I pull it off.

I didn't play it, though. I got it out and I started strumming through "Praise You in This Storm," which is one of my absolute favorite songs. I found a chording (is that even a word, Beth?) that is simple enough for me to play involving C, Em, D, G, and Am, and I've been playing it when I just want to mess around and have fun with the guitar.

So, I sat on the edge of the bed and I started to play. I might have actually touched poor with the quality of my performance, which is a good thing for me. What's more important, though, at least in terms of right now for me, is that I was able to touch Him, at least for a little while. It's like He smiled at me for a minute to remind me that He was still there and let me know that He liked what I was doing.

My guitar is safely tucked away in its bag until tomorrow. Holli is falling asleep on the bed. I am, once again, alone, looking for my Father and unable to find Him. I've talked with Holli quite a bit, and I think that's the point of where the two of us are right now: He's confident enough in us to stop just handing everything to us, so now it's time to make us work for our relationship with Him. I suppose it's good that He trusts me that much, butit's still kind of hard on me; it was nice to get to see Him, though, even if it was just for a moment.

Time to get to work. I've promised a client something by 5 AM, so I'm going to deliver on my promise and then get the crap to bed. Tomorrow holds promise, much as every morrow does.