Know Your Role, Jabroni

Larry thinks his meeting isn't going to happen.

Larry's Facebook status as of the time of this writing

Why is it that Facebook wants Larry to write about himself in the third person? Don't they know what kind of a burden this is to Larry? Larry would like to be able to write actual updates, maybe in a little section labelled Status, where he can write normal sentences. Something like this:

I'm going to be working on an internal project today.

Or something like this:

I'm going on a date with my wife tonight - hooray!

That's not okay with Facebook, though. Facebook gives Larry two choices: Larry can write about himself in the third person, or Larry can be grammatically incorrect. Now, any of you who know Larry know that there is absolutely no choice for Larry here; he's going to have to speak in the third person, because consciously choosing to be grammatically incorrect - except when used for effect in creative writing - is anathema to him. Since Larry has to do it so often anyway because of his job, and Larry's looking at you, improper paragraph breaks because people don't like to read, of course he's going to choose to write in the third person.

Larry just wishes that Facebook would give him some choices, that's all. Real choices, mind you, rather than the choice between his words making him seem like an enormous doofus or just a regular-type doofus that Larry has now. Larry wants those of you who are snickering out there to shut up and leave how much of a doofus he actually is out of this, please.

Larry is done writing now. Larry will sit and listen to the hold music on his conference call some more until he's certain that nobody else is showing up. When he hangs up, he's going to go find his Facebook login, shine it up real nice, turn it sideways ...